Yesterday turned a corner and the drama took him to Reno.
"I want a divorce."
That's what I said.
Folks, I just can't do this anymore. My emotions have been beaten to a pulp and all my tears are wrung out.
Dang, Kathy...that's harsh!
You're right, it is and I'm sorry. I really am. I never wanted our marriage to end, but it has. I hope someday MB will come to see this as a good thing. My wish is that he will get clean and sober, be able to keep his job, love himself and perhaps one day love someone else.
I am one of his addictions. He obsesses over me. Most women would think this is a good thing, but trust me- at this level it's not. I need him to let me go.
I know he doesn't want to hear this. I don't like saying it. He says I haven't tried hard enough. I think I have.
I asked him not to go anywhere (I was just ending a 4 day trip) but by the time I got home he was gone. I'm glad he called later to let me know that he was okay. He went to Reno.
I hope he got up in time to make it in to work this morning...but I can't worry about that. We all make our own choices and I just don't understand the ones he makes.
?????????
BTW- I'm a fool for writing this blog, and you're all laughing at me. I only like my job because I can get away from the dishes, kids and responsiblities of home and go play. My job is pointless because I don't make very much money. But what do I care? It's all about me anyway. ouch.
To his defense....I said that doesn't give a crap about the girls. Now that was wrong. Not remotely true. MB does a very good job taking care of the girls. This "bitch" was definately wrong.
How's that for details?
I guess I'm still so very mad and hurt by yesterday's drama.
I finished off the night by calling my daddy and going to bed.
posted by Kathy at 5:07 PM
9 Comments:
We love you. Let us know if you all need anything.----C
9:19 AM
Kathy, so i'm in shock. I mean, you guys just got back from Hawaii (not that a vacation fixes everything). Okay, that was dumb of me, but I'm kind of in shock.
I don't get the Reno thing at all - why did he go to Reno?
I wish you all the best. I'm thinking of you guys. Stay strong for your girls and pamper yourself.
9:38 AM
One more thing....you were a stay-at-home mom for many, many years and continually gave of yourself, without having much of anything that was 'yours'. I know you enjoyed the time and I know you had Annie in latter years as well, but you still didn't have much that was just Kathy's. Your job--even if it doesn't bring in tons of money--is yours. You get to help keep people safe and make people's day better. I can't tell you how many bad flight attendants I've had. The good ones stand out in my memory and are very appreciated. It isn't 'all about Kathy'. It is something you enjoy doing that you can call your own. I was a stay-at-home mom for 9 years, so I can speak on how my job has changed me personally. I feel like a better mother now. I would not trade the time I spent with my kids for anything in the world, but my job also gives me a sense of fulfillment that I had not had before. Please don't think that enjoying your job is wrong/bad/whatever...if it helps you in some way then my thought is that it's a good thing----C
9:50 AM
let us, me, know what you need. I can't imagine divorce. And I know it will be hard.
But there's a light up ahead.
Ron
10:04 AM
I also would add that I most certainly am NOT laughing at you or at Michael! I wouldn't waste my time. And, sure, he probably wasn't talking about me in particular, but I sincerely like you guys, and I'm sincerely rooting for you. But he was just saying that to lash out.
10:11 AM
C- you hit the nail on the head. I know this job is the right one for me at exactly the right time. I've never had a career job before...heck, I didn't even finish college, but this is mine and I earned it. I'm proud of that.
These people I meet mean so much to me. I smile because I can't help it. I see them, and it comforts me. I know I'm not the only person in this world to have troubles. We all do. I'm not alone. I like being with people. I would rather smile than cry. The babies are pure joy. They remind me of when my girls were that age. Like you- I'm so greatful that I was home with them.
Getting to know who we really are inside ourselves is a journey that doesn't end. I don't want it to.
Duf- yeah, we both said things I'm sure we regret. But I know that is the way he feels about this blog. He never understood why I am so willing to write about my life in detail to the world. I don't care if he thinks I'm silly for doing this. At least I can be honest. Writing is part of who I am.
Ron- Thanks you. I can see the light...I wish he could see it too. I worry (like all co-dependants) that he will survive this.
10:30 AM
Wow. I'm stunned. But you know, in retrospect, getting divorced is one of the best things that happened to me.
If it isn't working, it just isn't working...you know?
Besides, I met my current wife, I'm happy as all get-out and I've got the greatest little guy in the world: my son.
Who could ask for anything more?
12:28 PM
Kathy, I think I picked the wrong time not to read your blog for a few days. No one with half a heart would laugh at you, ever. Cry a little, maybe.
Now I'm going to get a bit more personal than I usually do. I hope you don't mind.
Go read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. That's you. It's how I see you, anyway. And if you're thinking "but my love did fail" -- no, it didn't. You still love MB, you just can't live with him. And you love your family, and your friends, and even your passengers in some small way. Ever since I first "met" you I have been struck by your loving nature (it shone all the more in the darkness where I first saw it).
Your courage and honesty in writing your blog are amazing. Never feel that you should be something you're not, or not be something you are.
4:09 AM
No one's laughing at you, Kathy. I will be lifting you and your girls up in prayer. And I'll pray for Michael, also.
I know it may sound hollow and empty right now, but there are better days ahead, as God cares too much to leave us in our troubles. Even if you can't see His hand, He is leading each of us. No matter how fast you run, God has blessings ahead for you.
"In the world you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."
7:42 AM
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