Making it Match

Emotional pain is hard to understand. "Feelings" are confusing, overwhelming and can be impossible to manage.

Physical pain is easier to comprehend. Your knee hurts, your head aches, you back is killing you! This is the type of pain that is easy to describe, easy to get help for and easy to relate to.

But tell someone that you just don't feel the same way anymore and there is no first aid kit you can run to. No emotional band aid big enough to cover the slowly oozing lava that flows from your heart.

All I want to do is make it match. The emotional pain and the physical pain. In a weird twisted way, I would rather deal with a broken leg, bleeding toes or gut wrenching stomach pain then to deal with the "feelings" that ravage my already boggled mind. One more fight with my spouse, one more bucket of tears and I'm done for. It scares me more than MT. Killer Crazy Steep...and more than a bin full of brownies.

I'm no expert on the subject, but I think I understand why teenagers inflict pain on themselves. You know, the ones who dig their nails into their skin during a particularly boring lecture, drawing blood and creating a nifty little picture with it?

There are several reasons:
1. to make the pain match
2. to feel something...anything and not numb.
3. to get attention from peers
4. something to pass the time

Now theory 3&4 are nothing to worry about. But watch out for 1&2. These are BIG warning signs. It signals that the person is carrying some heavy emotional burdens and trying to find a way to deal with it.

As you can tell, I fall into the first theory. Although I understand what I am doing. Therefore, I am dealing with my emotional pain in the healthiest way I can. I am running my butt off.

Today I found my limit. It's somewhere around 12 miles or so. Almost a half marathon. I want to push that limit. I put myself in so much physical pain today that I cried. I stopped and cried.

It was good for me to do that. Tears are the emotional pain leaving my body.

I want to be healthy.
I want to smile.
I want to love with all my heart.
I want to be everything to everyone.

That last one is impossible.

I know...