Smile through the wreckage

Yesterday I drove to Fresno for the last time. At least for working. This is my last trip out of the FAT base.

I boarded the plane with a sinking feeling in my gut. Something wasn't right.

My very first passenger of the day wore handcuffs. The young officers sitting nearby entertained him with their psp player. This was unusual. Even more out of the norm was the fact that they let him order a drink. Pepsi. But what had me getting a bit freaked out was what happened when I handed the drink to him. He reached out and took it from me...with NO CUFFS on! Yep, that's right. The officer had taken off his cuffs. That made me nervous and I know it's not allowed. Luckily nothing happened.

The next flight had an FBI agent onboard. Interesting...my mind imagined what would have happened if he had only been on the flight before and saw the semi-free prisoner.

Later that day, my stomach still felt bad. You would never know it. On the outside, I made jokes, played with the babies and pretended my safety demonstration was the inflight movie.

On the last flight into Redmond. I sat in my jumpseat and played with my new acrylic fingernails. I used to play with my ring, but it's not there anymore. It feels strange not having it on. Like I have given up my security blanket. I looked out the window into the fallen darkness and wondered why things had to change?

These are the times when I'm sitting alone in my hotel room where the freedom to cry exists...so I do. Later, when all the people are nearby I smile through the wreckage to see a brighter side, where happiness is found in strangers. They can't hurt me if they don't know me. I think that's why I am pulling away from my crews lately. I've noticed that I have less interest in answering their questions about me. I keep my life story to a minimum now.

The daily passengers and the things they do, keep my mind off the wreckage. The new places I see give hope and awareness of hidden dreams.

Where will this day take me and what will I see? What will I learn and how will I change?