Excuse me whilst I complain..
I woke up 2 hours ago, but I still feel groggy, like my eyes just opened.
I have to report in 1 hour and 15 minutes. I was lucky enough that I brought along some cereal and soy milk for breakfast on this trip. I probably won't get much else to eat today.
6 legs, 1 swap, no breaks, 10 hours of duty. OY! I'm going to be dead by the time I end in Modesto tonight.
I want to be happy. I want to mean it when I tell passengers "I'm doing great today, How are you?"
I can be honest to you...my cyber friends. For some reason you come back and read about my life. Ron, I hope to meet you someday...and DJ. I feel like I already know you.
No, things are not going okay at home. It's a train wreck. MB continued to drink...and I can't believe anything he tells me. I don't trust him and he knows it. I fear for the safety of my children. The thing is...he's a GREAT dad when he's not drinking, and when he is drinking he's still a good father (meaning he's not at all violent) but a vehicle is a very dangerous thing for someone with alcohol in his bloodstream. Now he's going to be mad at me for writing this. Sorry.
How can I do this? How can I keep my job that I LOVE and manage to provide a safe evironment for my girls? I get migraines trying to figure it out. Where there's a will there's a way. I am a clever girl...I will make it work. This happened in training...and once again our fragile family unit is tested.
Sidenote: No, they don't make us take off our rings at work...I took it off as a statement that I can't stay married to a man who I can't trust. I'm tired of crying, but the tears won't stop.
I'm not trying to get sympathy. The pain is just more than I can hide right now.
posted by Kathy at 10:27 AM
8 Comments:
We know how much you and MB love each other. Safety and well-being come 1st though. Driving while intoxicated is NOT EVER acceptable. The girls must not ride in a vehicle with a drunk driver. If you are speaking the truth, then MB has no reason to be mad. The truth sets people free. Lies break up relationships. Secrets harm people. This is not about 'revealing embarrassing information'. It is about telling the truth in hopes that MB will seek further treatment for his abuse of alcohol and be able to continue being the good dad that he is.
12:45 PM
Sorry to hear that you two continue to struggle. It has been an interesting year or so for you and MB - full of really great things (your new career) and some real challenges (MB's battle with addiction). I think you have to trust your instincts on what to do. But I will say this (and I don't know a lot about it, so if I goof it up, I hope you'll know what I'm trying to say). I think you might get some clarity if you attended a group meeting. You should look into Al-Anon and think about Alateen for your kids. I'm sure that sounds like a lot (and I would have emailed this, but for some reason I could not find your email address). I think it can help you sort through it all and answer questions that I'm sure you have.
Your faithful reader and friend,
Duf
2:56 PM
This is not an attempt to defend myself, as there is no defense, but more of a response to anonymous regarding me seeking further treatment. This week I found a sponser and started one-on-one therapy with a counsilor. I am not sitting on my hands hoping that things will get better. I am finally getting help for "me", not because my wife or my work told me I needed to. I feel good about it, even though seeing Kathy so sad and stressed out us hurts more than I can explain. I love her more than I could possibly tell her, and I am ashamed and mad over what has taken place the last year. I don't believe it is too late to save our marriage of over 14 years. I want to thank those of you who support us and don't make fun of our situation. Many people would want to leave comments of a mean and insensitive nature. That is not helpful. I appreciate the concern and will ask that those of you who pray to please say one for us if you think about it.
3:07 PM
I am sorry you both are going through such a rough patch, and I wish there were something useful I could do. I do keep you in my thoughts.
Having lived with two addicts, my dad (alcohol) and my husband (nicotine), I know that it's true that the addict has to quit for himself. Not being able to quit for anyone else doesn't mean he's unloving, it's just the nature of the beast (and beast it is). And I also know for myself that sometimes just getting through the day is a triumph. I wish you both the very best, and always will.
(I am pleased to report that my dad hasn't had a drink in over 20 years, and my DH hasn't had a cigarette in over 12. It can be done!)
4:39 PM
Wow. Sorry I'm so late in commenting. It's a little strange that there are a group of us here who only know each other through our goofy blogs, yet we're compelled to chime in and lend our support where we can.
I'm sorry times are tough for you and MB. Having gone through a divorce and then dating an alcoholic, I can tell you...neither is easy.
Kathy - All I can say is, you've got to do what is right first and foremost for your girls. If you've got fears about them being placed in danger because of MB's struggles, then remove the danger. I'm not saying snuff MB out, but there needs to be something in place to keep them from danger. Relatives, close friends, something. I have no doubt MB's a great dad. Heck, even the greatest people have tough times. As my former alcoholic girlfriend used to say: Everyone's s--t stinks. It's a two-way street though. You've got to be able to trust MB and he's got to be able to earn your trust. It's a tough gambit, no doubt.
MB - I know it probably seems like the world is against you and I know what you're up against is tough, but you've got to really take a step outside yourself and look around. Everything you've worked for, the family, the house, the life you've made for you and the ones you love...well, they're teetering. They're on the brink and it all comes down to you. It sounds like you're making the right strides, but I think you need to realize that it can all disappear if things don't change. I've got an addictive personality myself, but I've been tough as nails with myself. If there's something that I feel like controls me in the LEAST, I battle the S.O.B. with everything I got. I've got it in my head that nothing has THAT much of a hold on me. I just won't let it. Easy for me to say, I know, but I think you can do it. I know how much your family means to you, but it's time to drag out the old saying: 'Actions speak louder than words.' Don't say it. Do it. Beat this thing, man. I'm rooting for you.
I don't pray, but I'm hoping for the best for all of you...your kids, too!
Good luck, guys.
- DJS
8:51 PM
I think there is nothing left for me to say :( everyone took my words!
Kathy, You're freakin' cool. And with an attitude like that you can play on my team any day. Not that I have a team of any sort but, I, ...never mind. And by the way, you suckin' it up and getting whats eating at you off your chest is a very, very, noble and note worthy thing. Hold your head up high.
MB - Suck it up sweetheart. (I'm not gay btw, I just thought that an appropriate nickname at the time). Get your head in the game and you'll both be fine, alright?
I'll be praying for you both. As I'd only hope you'd do the same for me.
Ron
Ps. Kathy, if you need me to pick up any RJ trips, I'll be glad to...
9:52 PM
wow. I am truely overwhelmed by all the support. Thank you. I have been so resistent to seek help (alanon). My stubborn streak screams...But I"M not the one with the problem! Why should I have to go to meetings!
Then I think about the girls...and I know I need to go. Maybe they have the answer that I'm looking for? It's just hard to believe that anyone can understand what I'm feeling inside, given the same set of circumstances...
I'm sorry- I forgot what I was going to say.
10:18 AM
Kathy, you are learning something else I learned the hard way: the only thing under your control is your own behavior. Not other people, not twists of fate, not even your own feelings, only how you deal with it. Al-Anon may help with that last part, or at least give you some moral support. I've never been myself, but I do remember saying those exact words "why should I have to ------, I don't have a problem." Only to be gently answered, "because it may be unfair, but you still have to deal with it."
MB, I hope you can find some support as well. I think one of the reasons we were put here is to help each other in need, and also to be able to ask for help when we need it. (A lot of us of whatever gender have trouble with that second part!)
Blessings on you both.
8:25 AM
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